Tuesday. March 25.

Having a blog has always plagued me. Even though I’ve had this one for a couple of years now, I still don’t completely understand. These questions have always been on my mind every time my finger hits a key: What do I write about? What do I let strangers read about me? What kind of knowledge do I provide them with without being sued? Do I write about life? Do I write about my love for cooking? Do I write about my sick parents? Do I write about my personal struggles with anxiety, should I even tell you I have anxiety? Do I write about how hard it is being an only child? Do I write about gluten free, organic and my favorite person Jillian Michaels?

I don’t know, what do I write about?

And while I’ve changed the direction of this blog several times, I can’t understand who I am helping. Am I helping you? Am I helping myself? Is a blog not the purpose to maybe help someone? Or is it just an output of misguided energy (in a good way)?

Should I help you see the light on nutrition even though I have no certification or schooling to do so? Should I help you find simple workouts for those that can’t do too much strenuous activity? Should I share with you free resources?

I find that most people in the blog world connect with other bloggers and share on each others posts, and if not but most of the time piggybacking on what the other has to say. Is this what I should do? Is the purpose of a blog defined somewhere? That would be really helpful.

I haven’t written any books. I don’t have my Ph.D. I think my 30 before 30 list is really awesome. But that’s about it. I’ve gotten into a really bad habit of watching tv for hours upon hours when I get home because I’m finding more of a release in laughter than sweating my butt off working out. I’ve already got facebook, pinterest, and email. Are those not outputs of energy? I guess I don’t really understand.

Friday. January 24.

Welcome to 2014!

Have a long Christmas vacation. Wake up early. Go back to work. Cry. Get paid. Have a snowstorm. Don’t go to work. Don’t get paid. Get the wedding invitations done. Buy the wedding rings. Pick out the suits. Cindarelly, cindarelly. Fiance moves in. There is no space, even though there is, it’s all filled. Change your accounts. Go back to work. Drink some beer. Eat some dinner. Go to a baby shower. Call the priest. Do the laundry. Pack your bags. Print out boarding pass. Get on the plane. Going to Colorado to be with the Maid of Honor. Flight is almost 2 hours late. Drink some Baileys on the plane. Hop in the car with said Maid of Honor. Eat some food. Drink more wine. Weather is beautiful. Head to a surprise party. Eat more food. Drink more wine. Head to Weight Watchers in Colorado. Gain some weight. Weather is even more beautiful. No jacket required. Eat more food. Drink more wine. Hit up Boulder. Drink beer. Eat food. Drink Moscow Mules. Drive to the Wine Bar to pretend that football matters. Drink more wine. Head to Downtown Denver to eat more food, drink more wine. Get a text message. Flight is cancelled. Snowstorm in New York. Reschedule flight. Miss the first day of school. Schools cancelled. Fly in a day late. Wear so many layers it’s impossible to move. Make the first day of school. Wake up. Eat. Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat x2. Make dinner. Relax. Enjoy. Weekend.

Friday. December 13.

Is it just me or do I manage to post every time it’s Friday the 13th? And in December? What a travesty! Well, I wish nothing but candy canes and snow angels today on Friday, December 13.

I want to come clean about something in a stand up in the middle of a crowd and shout it to the world kind of way. I have an addiction….

To food. You might laugh, giggle, or just think this is silly, however, food to me is like alcohol to an alcoholic which is extremely hard to navigate because you need food in order to survive. Just like you, I need food to survive. I don’t usually want to turn things down or stand my ground and say no. But I’m just about 6 months away from my wedding, 4 months away from my first dress fitting, and about 6 months behind from when I should have really started watching what I ate so that I wouldn’t have to be so worried about it over the holidays.

Well, I’m worried. And besides my fiance, I don’t want to commit to anything for fear of failure. I don’t want to commit to weight watchers because when I gain one week and have to go in, I’ll feel disappointed. I don’t want to commit to a workout regiment because what if it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to commit to eating healthy because probably between the amount of self sabotage I do to myself and the 3-5 opportunities per week that arise, I will fail.

Maybe the failure shouldn’t lie in the pound I end up gaining, the Doritos I bought during a self sabotage binge or in the plan for going out to eat that I throw out the window once I learn they have cheese fries… But rather the success of moving on.

Maybe if I just make it to the gym once a week, the focus should be that you made it and that’s a success, not a failure. Maybe if I want Doritos, I can buy the small bag, not the Family Size (oops). Maybe when I go to the restaurant, I make those moments splurge moments. Maybe if I gain a pound, the failure shouldn’t be in the pound itself, but the success of it should be in going anyway and listening to what others have to say and know maybe I’ll be double as successful next week and lose 2 or 5 or 6.

Maybe if I just stick to following one plan and not 50 all at the same time, I can actually make some head way… Just maybe.

(written on December 13, 2013… Posted on 1/24)

Wednesday. November 20.

I think I need to step away from all things food, counting, and whatever else. I’m so completely overwhelmed with everything and I’ve really been beating myself up when the reality is I’m only 6 pounds up since last year. So here are the 5 rules I just made up for myself to follow until the New Year.

1. Write down everything I eat on a piece of paper, whether it’s bad, good, or anywhere in between. BUT I must write it down as I’m eating it. There’s too much planning involved with me and I either do it all in the morning or all at night and by then the recognition of what I ate doesn’t register because by then, it doesn’t matter.

2. If I stray from Healthy, it’s okay! Just don’t continue to stray the entire day.

3. Workout at least 3x per week (dvds, since I cancelled my gym). Maybe start taking a morning stroll every morning. I wish my apartment was big enough to fit a small treadmill.

4. Be thankful for the body I was given.

5. Stop trying to make everything perfect because nothing ever will be.

Monday. November 18.

I. am. a. ticking. time. bomb.

Sometimes it’s just too much for one person to handle. I don’t give it to anyone because I don’t want to give it to them to handle. If God gave it to me, there’s a reason, right?

My 20 (almost 21) year old cat is on her way out and even though I haven’t lived in the house part of my home in almost 10 years, this makes me so terribly sad because I’ve known her since I was 8. She’s outlived 2 dogs, birds, and plenty of fish. She’s even outlived some of my relatives when you think about it, because in cat years she’s 140 years old.

My dad dry heaves and/or throws up everyday and yes, I can hear him. If you’ve ever lived with a sick person in your home, you would understand but until then, please be grateful and thankful for what you have and that you don’t have to watch your loved ones dying slowly in misery and pain.

Every morning that I wake up, I fear that my daddy won’t be at my wedding. And he might not be [physically], I just don’t know if he’ll make it. He’s just in so much pain all the time. And this weighs so heavy on my heart. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. And then I remember that it must be 1,000 times worse for my mom who’s been with him since she was 18. They are each other’s lives.

My weight. Up. Down. All around. Carbs. No carbs. Eat eggs. Don’t eat eggs. Eat fat. Don’t eat fat. [[Story of my life]]   

My back. Hurts every single day. Herniated discs, bulging discs, all of the above. One too many cartwheels and one too many car accidents I suppose. I was finally feeling better once I dropped like 7 of the 9 pounds I’ve lost. Then I thought it’d be awesome to go re-sign for massages every month and boy, what a mistake that was. I love my massage girl, but my back is just not ready. And the whole time I’m laying on the table I have so much anxiety, it’s not relaxing at all. So now I have to get a doctor’s note blah blah blah so I can be relieved of my $60 a month contract. Why don’t people just let you cancel when you want to? Do you really want the people still connected to you even if they don’t want your service?

I quit the gym. I wish Ross and Chandler had showed up [Friends]. I just don’t use it. I lost $20 for the 2 months I had signed up but I have access to the [FREE] gym and pool at my place of work. Maybe I should start swimming again.

[[End of a Monday night Rant]]

Wednesday. November 13.

So, I went home last night from a very long day of work, relationships, and let downs. I had a thousand and one things to do. Did I do any of them? No. Did I go to the grocery store at 9:30 pm to get my weekly groceries plus a bag of Cheese Doodles to then go home and devour them with an ice-cold angry orchard? Yes.

But something happened before I went to the grocery store and I suppose that’s the most important part of my day. I am a health guru, nutty for the nutritional guys and gals along with every famous personal trainer that gets the job done. And I am a HUGE fan of The Biggest Loser. I’ve also gotten out of the habit of eating ice cream sundaes while watching the show. They just make me so hungry.

Anyway, if you know the show, you know Dolvett Quince has been a trainer on it for 4 seasons. I love him. I love the breakthroughs he has with all of his contestants, I love his knowledge and I love his different take on things. I bought his book last night on my e-reader called The 3-1-2-1 Diet. I started reading it and I couldn’t stop. Not only is his views on life, food, and love so different from any other of the other trainers books that are collecting dust on my book shelf, but it’s just amazing to look at food and life in a whole new light.

Dolvett, first of all, is a fine-looking man. Who wouldn’t want to follow one of his plans? Second of all, he’s the first “professional” in my self-help nutritional books that didn’t tell me I was Obese based on my BMI (which, based on my body type, I am nowhere near Obese. I pack on muscle pretty quick and hard, so I resent this from every “diet” book I’ve ever read that has told me that). Dolvett takes you to a whole new level. You have to first measure the circumference of your wrist and then compare that to your height to figure out your build: small, medium, or large. I am medium which is exactly what I chose for myself. Then, based on your build and your height, you can see your healthy weight range, which wasn’t completely unattainable for me, but I’ll have to see how I feel as I go. Third, Dolvett lets you cheat. You know that piece of chocolate cake that you’ve wanted all week and feel like you can’t have it because you’re on the latest low carb, low-fat, nothing delicious except for baby carrots diet? Yea, no. Honey, you can have a piece of chocolate cake… ONLY on Days 4 and 7. Then all of the other days, you have to eat clean choosing. Dolvett provides you with what he calls Smart Proteins, Smart Carbs, Smart Fibers, Fibrous Fruits, Carby fruits, and also what you can indulge with on your cheat days. I’ve never had anyone map out for me what he did in the 2 hours it took me to go through the work.

I strongly suggest buying his book on Amazon, or through B&N on your e-reader.

Tuesday. 11/12/13.

Had to include that today is 11/12/13, I don’t think that will ever happen again.

Remember my last post? The one where I reluctantly admitted my under-appreciated love for Cool Ranch Doritos? Oh, maybe I wasn’t that specific. Well, here we go, I have had an ephiphany. And here goes… I will do fine maintaining with consuming carbs on a daily basis. I will not do fine, however, losing with carbs. So, here I go again, it’s 42 days until Christmas Eve.

^ It’s 11/18/13 and I hate to disappoint, but it took me even longer to hope back onto the bandwagon.